How To Be Normal In Australia
I've Started Reading A Book I Found In My Travels Called "How To Be Normal In Australia" And I'm Shocked!!!!! It Comes Across As A Legitimate Read, Or Is The Author Just Taking The Piss Out Of Australian Culture or do People Perceive Us Being That Bad??? How Do They say It.... "Aussie Aussie Aussie... Oi Oi Oi".. A Guide For The Puzzled Visitor From Overseas, the Desperate Local, and The OverWhelmed Beginner..."A Practical Guide To The Uncharted Territory of Antipodean Relationships.." (whatever That Means)...
Chapter 1. The National Sport in Aust is Splitting The Bill
Chapter 2. How To Avoid People. Only Hang With Your Mates, With Collective Consensus With The Alpha Male. Anyone That Is Not Part Of The Group Should Be Made To Know It.
Chapter 3. Always Be Sorry. No Matter What. All Care No Responsibility. Saying Sorry Usually Gets The Average Aussie By.
Chapter 4. Facial Grimacing For Beginners - Learning The Different Grimacing Between Australians.
Chapter 5 Mother's Day - Only Australian Mother's Know How Hard It Is To Teach Children Patience to Keep children Waiting As Along As Possible Chapter 6. Never Appear Worried - Denying Emotional Concern & Involvement - example Road Accidents - Join A Crowd Of Idle Observers - Under No Circumstance To Touch, Help Or Move Anyone. That Is Job Of Authorities... (Anyone With A Badge???) Remember in Australia... The only Worrying You Should Do Is Never Appear To Be Worred...
Chapter 7. How To be Passive - Australian Males Understand Only Too Well That The Less energy They Use or the More Passive They Behave, The Greater Their Chances Of Being Picked Up. They Know That Women Have To take The Initiative
Chapter 8. Why Kissing Always Means "Yes".... Australians Will Kiss For One Purpose And One Purpose Only....
Chapter 9. A Modest Observation.. - men In Australia Become Gay If They Like Women, and heterosexual if They Don't... (Well That's A Revelation)
Chapter 10 - Sex By Attrition - Australians Consider That Any Admission Of Desire Shows A Demeaning Lack Of Character. Any Reference to Real Intentions Should Bring out A "Hot Denial"
Chapter 11. How To Become Respectable - Australians Have a Great AdMiration For Gamblers - Racecourses, dog tracks, poker machines, Lotto Agencies, Scratchies, TAB's, Raffles, competitions, Promotions, Casinos, instant Prizes Etc. It's Important to Train children At An Early Age to Buy Lotto For birthdays, Melbourne cup Sweepstakes, pokies etc.... A FAMILY THAT BETS TOGETHER, GETS TOGETHER
Chapter 12. Australian Wedding - Each Planned Stage to tying the Matrimonial Know Should be the Source of Acrimonious Fights Between Bride, Groom & Their Families.
Chapter 13. Three Games For Beginners. Keeping Necessary tension with Partner... "Doesn't Matter"... "Someone Saw You!!!!"... "Us. Really!?!?"
Chapter 14. Bringing Down Children. Childhood Should Consist Of "Don'ts".. If A Child Has A Natural Passion, Force Them As Much As Possible Away From It In The Hope They'll Lose Interest Or Be Discouraged. Don't Teach Children Too Much As It Might Give Them An Advantage Over Others
Chapter 15. The Seven Ages Of Man. 0 - 25 - Involves A Lot Of Hard WorkAfter 25 Come The Good Times. You Can Let Go. It's An opportunity to Let Your Guts Hang Out Over Your Stubbies Shorts & Stay Exclusively in your age GroupChapter 16 - The Bedroom. Australians Learn From Their Parents That The Real mirror To The Soul Is The state Of Their Bedroom. Give Bedroom A Rigid And Uninviting Appearance.
Chapter 17 - The Loungeroom - generally It's The Last Place You take People into. Ensure Loungeroom has a Stale Ambience.Loungeroom Furniture Should Appear to be Cemented Or Bolted Down. Sofas Chairs Etc A Long Way From Each Other to prevent undue Intimacy and discourages relaxing Place Coffee Tables Too Close So People Can't Stretch Their Legs. Huge empty Spaces in The middle Of The room
Chapter 18. The Twilight Zone. - Steps Are taken for the Elderly in Australia from the outset to Protect The aged from Any Possible Abuse from their Families. This Is Why They Gather The Elderly Together, & Keep Them Safely 9& Securely) in One Place.... Under The Care Of Stragers.... The Nursing Home
From About 40yrs old onwards discourage mixing with younger people. They Should Attend RSL's & Bowling clubs. Discourage Parents from spending Time At Your Place. They Might Like It and Makes It Harder to get Them into A Home. Visit Them At Fewer & Fewer Intervals so eventually, except for a couple of hours on Christmas Day, They Won't Ever Have To See The Family Again.
Chapter 19 - Renoivations - Generally It Has A Strong Correlation With The Marital Problems With The People Undertaking It. To keep A Marriage Going, Do Not Finish Renovating. Leave Bits Permanantly unfinished. If All Improvements Are Made And finished, in Australia Research Shows the Property will Be Sold.
Chapter 20. Keeping The Peace... An Australian Mother Knows Only Too Well That "The Family" is A volatile Institution. She Also Knows It's Up To her To Be Peacekeeper, So The Family Is Not Plunged Into Anarchy through Open Arguements & Face To Face Conflicts. First Thing Is To Keep Everyone As Far Apart As Possible."Don't Bother Your Father..." "you Better Tell Me First..." "You're Upsetting Your Sister..." "Leave The Kids Alone..." if contact Occurs.... "Stop It Both Of You...." "I don't Want To Hear AnyMore About It!!!!".... "I Think You Two Better Stay Away From Each Other...."The Advantage Of Unresolved conflicts is that Australians Grow Up without Knowing how To Argue And Make Up
The Mother's Ultimate Aim Will Be to Discourage Any Kind Of Exchange Of Views, Personal Or General, As It could potentially Lead to A Full Blown Drama
The Mother's Hand Of Manipulation Will Become undetectable As The Years Go on
Chapter 21 - How to Recognize your Father
Father Is Like The Country's Governor General. Only Recognisable for His Uniform And Appearance at Special Occassions. Also Usually Deivers The Physical Punisment Once Child Is Proven Guilty And Convicted, By Way Of Hitting, or Having A Certain Object Of Fear Like A Belt, Wooden Spoon Or Implement Which Will Deliver Pain
Mother operates Like The Modern Prime Minister. Expected to make Important unpopular Decisions. She Tries To remain In Power As Long As Possible. children Represent the opposition. Heard Only After whinging, Shouting And Stamping Of Feet. All Patriotic Australians Abide By This Rule, trespassing It Could Plunge The Whole Family into A Constitutional Crisis.
Chapter 22. how to be No Trouble. the highest Praise That Can Be Given To A Child Is.... "That They Were No Trouble..." This Must Be Pointed Out At Every Opportunity.you Must Always Point out How Much trouble Your Neighbours, Cousins, Sisters Etc are Having With Their Children.
The Description of "No Trouble Children" Really Means.... They didn't do Anything in particular..... Stayed out Of Parents Hair..... Never Spoke Unless they Were Spoken To..... Spent A Lot Of Time Out Of Home Amusing Themsleves..... Or Sat Around For Hours Staring At The TV
Chapter 23 - Fathers Day
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